so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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