apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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