i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
