if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We named our party play list daddy issues
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
