WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
