no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
