I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
