my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
