I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
