DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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