Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
