She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
