my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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