Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
