I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize