Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
