Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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