i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
