so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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