it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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