who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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