By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
