my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
