He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
