My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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