I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
