Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
