Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
