Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
