I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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