I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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