We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The air was thick with penises
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize