My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
