even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
