He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
