Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
