It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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