I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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