I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
