She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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