i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
