Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
