Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
