I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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