Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
