Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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