Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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