she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
