once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
