wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
