Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
