why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
