so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
