I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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