I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
