I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize