Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
